i just might

currently in a food comatose and hanging out as the last minutes of the holiday season dwindle down. strangely, this year felt a little less like christmas despite all of the frantic last-minute shopping, the traditional and delicious morning christmas breakfast and all the crazy gift opening ending in a huge pile of colorful wrapping paper that the cats find hours of satisfaction in. it took a little more effort than usual to open my eyes this morning and get into christmas- mode, and unfortunately my disaster of a sore throat didn’t help things.

but without all the feelings of december 25th, it was still fun to run down the hallway this morning and open gifts, listen to christmas music and enjoy being around my family. the hectic unpleasantness of holiday shopping is forgotten the instant you see them open your present with genuine joy. that’s really what this whole season revolves around. although it’s typically buried in commercial ads and the ridiculousness of sales and ‘black friday.’ the best part about christmas is that it gives you this indescribable happiness.

all i have to say is that this year was a success. it was one of the most laid back we’ve had in years and the fact that the afternoon was spent at the beach watching the surf makes it a perfect southern california christmas. next year, my brother and i will both be coming home for the holidays to a house that feels a little different. the absence of kids will be a little more present. but hopefully, despite all of the new changes, our traditions continue because that’s the point of traditions right? through all the chaos of life, traditions remain an anchor; a comfortable consistency that ties each year to the last no matter how much has changed.

with all the changes 2010 is going to bring, i hope christmas is able to pull through like it does ever year. there are six days left of a decade that brought thousands of ups and a few good downs that taught me more than anything to really take a step back and evaluate what’s important.

2009 was a crazy year where i made some lifelong friends and some incredible memories. all i have to say for 2010 is bring it on, i’m ready for whatever you have in store for me :)

Silence is something I wish I had more of. But once the silence has taken over, all I want is for eerie stillness to disappear. The quiet gives me too many opportunities to think about my fears and obsess over the little things I try to forget.

They say silence is golden. I don’t agree.

The buzz of people around me or the sound of the music blasting through my headphones gives me an indescribable comfort. It makes me forget that I’m alone.

Lately the silence has been present. It creeps up then takes over. I’m surrounded. Then my thoughts take its place. Every concern gathers and every worry quickly overtakes each corner of my mind. There’s no escaping it.

Recently my thoughts have been the same. The people around me are drifting. Everyone’s finding happiness in a new life, different from the one I used to be present in. My friends are finding love, losing love or discovering a place where they fit in and unfortunately I can’t really say the same. With the holidays so close and me so far away from the place I have called home for so long, it makes me wonder if it’s ever going to happen for me. I worry that I’ll be stuck this rut permanently. I worry that I’ll end up just like someone I don’t want to be. I guess she’s happy. But the question of happiness shouldn’t exist. You should be happy.

As the silence creeps in with a surprising stillness in a city so alive, these thoughts are present, these worries are eating away in a constant search for the answer. Hopefully it comes soon. If not, the silence might just consume me.